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DISCUSSION: Can a Man or Woman in a Committed Relationship ‘Earn’ the Right to Cheat?

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THE CASE OF JON

“I have a huge problem. My wife has lost interest in intimacy and sex ever since we got married and had our first child who is no 9 months old. No matter how much I try to talk about it with her or address any issues she might have, she refuses to entertain the subject. “Is that all you can think about?” is all she will say and walk away.  It seems she doesn’t care about how I feel about it.  Do I have the right to cheat?  I love my wife but I also have needs. I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with no intimacy.  I feel really guilty about it, but something’s telling me I have earned the right. I had no idea my wife would be this way about sex, and it just kills me. It even puts me in a bad mood sometimes.” – Jon

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Can a Man or Woman in a Committed Relationship 'Earn' the Right to Cheat?

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10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. passerby

    February 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Cheat, no. Leave, maybe. You certainly have an obligation to your child for emotional and financial support, and possibly financial to your wife as well, but if she’s not even willing to talk to you about this, you can demand counseling (therapist, priest, whatever works for you) and if she won’t try, look for an exit. You still have to be a man about the promises you have made, but “It’s broken”+”I refuse to try to fix it”, after a reasonable interval (a year from when you first raised the issue?) means you should be free to raise the stakes in an honorable way. “Till death do us part” is a nice idea but a lifetime of unhappiness shouldn’t be part of the contract.

  2. msakereth

    February 24, 2010 at 11:22 am

    I think there is something “deeper” going on with your wife and maybe you should change your approach to the issue.
    Clearly she is “unhappy” about something and until that issue is dealt with you aint getting any :).

    So please don’t cheat. Seek professional help if you have to. Studies have been done to show that alot of women go through this “phase. Some of the causes include
    – hormones – depression
    – they don’t like their body and so don’t think you are attracted to them anymore
    – stitches and etc from child birth healing up etc

  3. Avatar

    March 3, 2010 at 4:26 am

    Lol take it easy bro. First it is no uncommon for a woman to lose interest in intimacy after having a baby. Not to worry though it passes by. She will be back to be the tiger you once knew.
    However your wifee should be open and discuss it with you. But not to be the advocate of the devil some women go through some emotional ups and downs right after a baby .
    Well sex is an art bro. Get a babysitter ,with some creativity ,some cuddling and good massage she may have pity of the lil’ fella…so good luck and no cheat!

  4. Norma

    March 8, 2010 at 9:52 am

    It may be medical. After I had our son, sex was painful. It took almost a year to discover the problem! I felt bad telling my husband I was in pain, so I eventually stopped telling him and just started saying “no” with no explanation. It turned out that the breastfeeding took away almost all of my estrogen (female) hormones, which dried out my vaginal tissues and caused an irritation that the doctor first believed to be herpes. After the tests came back negative, he prescribed an antifungal w/steroid. I haven’t had any complaints since-it’s been almost eight months. Whatever the problem may be, your wife loves you, give her some time, invest in your relationship and her health!

  5. Rosine

    April 3, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    I think you should try to go back to seducing your wife and making her want you.
    I dated a guy, and after two years, it was like every time he was nice, maybe a kiss or a hug, he wanted it to end in bed, and this kind of was a great put off.

    My advice: don’t pressure your wife, just take little steps towards seducing her again, a romantic dinner , a hug, a kiss, flowers, etc, with no strings or demands for intimacy after. She’ll soon come asking.

    Marraige is sacred, and once into it, you don’t have a right to cheat. If you lost interest in it, you better get out than stay in and cheat.

  6. oladipo opashina

    April 5, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Marraige is sacred,and its important to understand what we are going into,a wife who feels the way your wife is feeling is yet to understand her role as a wife and mother, saying NO to your husband opens room for thought of extra marital affairs, which in itself opens your home to dangers of non commitment to the children as most times your home is not a place of peace.

  7. wholio

    April 14, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    monogamy is not natural

  8. Awah T

    May 13, 2010 at 11:20 am

    I think the phrase “earn the right to cheat” is in of itself ludicrous!!

    I believe it is a simple concept (though practical application may prove to be a tad harder): if you are not happy in your marriage, try to make it work (i.e. try to fix it, as passerby mentioned above), when that fails, and you find yourself still unhappy, then leave!

    I am not advocating divorces, nor am I endorsing them in anyway. It simply is my opinion that when faced with the two “bad” choices of: (1) cheating and (2) divorcing, the latter might be better choice. This of course assumes that those are the only two lines of recourse left to you.

    If you think about it from a logic based perspective, the option of cheating may ultimately land you in divorce court anyway. The main difference between the two options here is that it would be relatively less expensive (both financially and emotionally) for both of you to go on your separate ways.

  9. Liz Beseka-Nammeh

    May 14, 2010 at 9:04 am

    If it a right, then it wont be called ‘cheating’. The key word here is “committed”. You are committed to one another, bear the burdens of each other, and if it becomes too much for you to bear, leave it all together if all fails. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Don’t take the low road just to get even.

  10. Diana

    May 30, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Marriage is committment that two mature adult with all their respect ,love and care for each other made to be together forever, If a person found everything they want in each other then what is the need for them to seek anything else outside their marriage this what I beleive .

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TAKE OUR POLL: Is Burundi’s President Out Of Line For Giving Unwed Couples An Ultimatum To Get Married By End Of This Year?

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Is Burundi’s President Out Of Line For Giving Unwed Couples An Ultimatum To Get Married By End Of This Year?

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Unmarried couples have until the end of this year to legalize their relationships, the Burundi government said, as part of an effort to reform morals in the country.

Burundian President Pierre Nkurunziza

The order follows the launch of a campaign in May by President Pierre Nkurunziza “to moralize society” in Burundi. Interior ministry spokesperson Terence Ntahiraja told AFP the country was facing a population explosion which he blamed on “illegal marriages”, polygamy, bigamy and “hundreds of schoolgirls getting pregnant”.

He said church and state-sanctioned weddings were the solution and were a patriotic duty. Nkurunziza said Burundians should show their love for each other – and their country – by getting married. The government has since been pressuring unwed couples across the country to tie the knot.

Consequencies

Pierre, a 27-year-old farmer living with his partner in Ngozi, in the north, said local officials had threatened him with a 50 000 Burundian franc ($25) fine and said any child born out of wedlock would not be eligible for free education and medical costs.

The Obstacle

Pierre said he had not married because he could not afford the bride price demanded by his girlfriend’s family.

CHECK OUT RELATED POST: Should Bride Price Be Abolished?

“She told me she was pregnant. As I am poor, we decided to come together to raise our child,” he said. “We thought we would legalize our union as soon as we could afford it.”

That was five years ago and the couple is now onto their third child.

No Excuses

A mass wedding. To enact the Burundi president’s orders, officials have begun organizing mass weddings. PHOTO | FILE

To enact the president’s orders, officials have begun organizing mass weddings, something one civil society activist opposed as “a violation of human rights because the state has no right to attack two adults who have decided to live together without being married.”

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Ghana’s President Akufo-Addo Welcomes Biometric Identity Management Into Ghana

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President Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo, received his National Identification Card, dubbed the new “Ghana Card”, at a ceremony held at the premises of the National Identification Authority, on Friday, September 15, 2017.

President Akufo-Addo, described the new identification card signals the dawn of a new day in biometric identity management in Ghana, and the virtues of a public-private partnership arrangement in meeting the country’s development needs.

The President indicated that the launch of the card “constitutes a practical demonstration of the fulfilment of yet another promise of my party, the New Patriotic Party, made during the 2016 campaign.”

The campaign promise, he recounted, was that “we would modernize and formalize the Ghanaian economy through the establishment of a credible national database, and using the National Identification System (NIS) as the primary identifier, as prescribed by law.”

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Trump’s Revised Travel Ban Indefinitely Bars Most Travel From Three African Countries

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President Trump on Sunday issued a new order indefinitely banning almost all travel to the United States from seven countries, including most of the nations covered by his original travel ban, citing threats to national security posed by letting their citizens into the country.

Starting next month, most citizens of Iran, Libya, Syria, Yemen, Somalia, Chad and North Korea will be banned from entering the United States, Mr. Trump said in a proclamation released Sunday night. Citizens of Iraq and some groups of people in Venezuela who seek to visit the United States will face restrictions or heightened scrutiny.

People seeking access to the United States as refugees are not covered by the proclamation, officials said. Entry of refugees is currently limited by the president’s original travel ban, and officials said the administration was preparing new rules for refugees that should be announced within days.

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